Nurturing Your Actual Village. Quality > Quantity
How Many Relationships Can You Really Sustain?
Take a moment to consider how many people you know.
From childhood sports and clubs, every neighborhood you’ve lived in, 12+ years of classmates, college friends, coworkers from all the jobs you’ve had, people you’ve met while traveling, in-laws, extended relatives, the friends and family of your closest people, employees and regulars at your favorite spots, members of your gym or yoga studio, people at church, volunteer projects… the list goes on.
For most of us, that adds up to thousands of people. And because of social media, we can stay updated on nearly all of them if we want. While that’s a powerful gift, it can also quietly diminish the quality of our closest, most important relationships… the one with ourselves, our partner, our children, our pets, our family, and our best friends.
The Struggle To Prioritize Appropriately
For years, I coped with “not being able to be available for everyone” by making myself too busy. That felt more acceptable than saying, “Sorry I didn’t text back, I was having a slow morning, watching the sunrise, journaling, doing yoga, cooking a warm breakfast and eating it with my partner.” But those were the moments my body and soul craved. I just couldn’t get past the guilt of putting myself first.
Unfortunately, I’d also unintentionally prioritize acquaintances over family and close friends because I assumed they would be the most understanding of my busy schedule. Then I’d accidentally end up conversing with acquaintances that I ran into at a cafe, yoga, or store for an hour or spending hours replying to direct messages online… while telling my best friends I didn’t have time for a hang out that week. I carry a lot of guilt about how unaligned that is. It’s a pattern that I really don’t want to repeat.
If you think about it… before cell phones and social media, we didn’t regularly keep in contact with hundreds or thousands of people. Nor were we expected to be accessible around the clock. This technology has been around for a few decades, but our nervous systems haven’t evolved at the same pace. Historically, you’d see acquaintances maybe once a year at an event, with minimal to no contact in-between.
Understanding Dunbar’s Number
Feeling overwhelmed, I did some research and came across Dunbar’s Number, which states that humans can realistically sustain 5 loved ones, 15 good friends, 50 friends, 150 meaningful contacts, 500 acquaintances and 1500 people you can recognize.
There have been a lot of critics who’ve tried to debunk the theory. Many similar studies have been done and they still come to a conclusion that there is some limit on relational capacity. Some suggest that rather than limiting the number of people in each layer, you should go off of time allocated to each layer.
Regardless, my point is not the exact specifics of this theory and each layer. I am a big believer in the "8 Dimensions of Wellness” which is a holistic perspective on health that says we need to acknowledge all areas (emotional, financial, environmental, intellectual, physical, career, spiritual and social) to achieve balance. With one of those dimensions being “social” I am trying to figure out how to balance relationships with the other areas of my health.
I made this graphic to help visualize the depth and frequency of contact for each layer. When I saw this broken down and I realized how many people I know, it clicked why it feels impossible to give everyone deep attention. Our capacity is limited, yet we are constantly meeting new people and expanding our networks. How can we fit everyone?
If you add someone new to a layer, then space has to be carved out for them… aka someone else unintentionally gets cut / moves outward.
This Abundant Season
Since announcing my engagement, pregnancy, and move to The Netherlands - I’ve felt an outpouring of love, encouragement, and support from every corner of my life… extended family, childhood and school friends, shop customers, podcast listeners, people I’ve met traveling, sorority sisters, sports teammates, family friends, in-laws, and so many others.
The web of care that surrounds me and baby is incredible, and I feel deeply grateful for every message, prayer, comment, and kind thought that’s come my way.
But with that blessing also comes a challenge. A few people have expressed feeling hurt that I haven’t been as directly in touch, and I want to pause here to acknowledge that. If you’ve reached out and I didn’t respond (or if it’s been a while since we’ve connected) please know this: it’s not from lack of love or care. You are on my heart more often than you may realize. I energetically send warm thoughts to so many of you but I only have the time and energy to stay closely connected 1:1 with a smaller circle right now.
How Dunbar’s Number Supports the Village
As a human who always feels the to justify myself, I researched even further to validate my feelings because I am still struggling to let go of the pressure to give acquaintances the same level of care as my friends.
We’ve all heard the phase, “It takes a village to raise a child” and I wondered if that supported Dunbar’s Number or went against it.
Personally, when I think about my own village, I don’t imagine the thousands of contacts in my phone. I imagine the few who would provide support when I need it most (and those who I’d be happy to provide the same level of care in return). Those are the relationships I want to nurture above all else.
As it turns out, Dunbar’s Number is very supportive to the “village” model. Here’s what I found:
Your closest 5: The ones you can call in the middle of the night. They’ll hold the baby while you shower, cook meals for you, or sit with you during birth and postpartum.
Your top 15: Happy to babysit, run errands, bring groceries, or step in when you’re overwhelmed. These are the people you’ll go deep with about parenthood and life.
Your top 50: They might not be in your house weekly, but they’ll show up with food, contribute to your registry, check in now and then, and genuinely care about your journey.
Protecting My Bubble
This simultaneously made me feel relieved and guilty. It’s not that I’m too busy… I actually have plenty of downtime. But I’ve learned that my health, my nervous system, and my peace of mind are just as valid of reasons to protect my peace as being busy ever was.
I’m living in the country I dreamed of for a decade, engaged to my high school sweetheart, and carrying our first baby. Each day, my focus is simple: nourish my mind, body, and spirit in the best way possible for myself and this little man I’m growing inside me.
I’m managing my shop from a 7-hour time difference, building new routines, furnishing our home, and learning my way through a new community. New gym, new cafes, new grocery stores, new rhythms… every single thing around me is foreign and unfamiliar.
And in the midst of all that, I’ve made it my mission to remain grounded. One of the biggest choices that’s helped is not having an international phone plan. When I leave WiFi, I literally can’t send or receive messages. And I love it. I get to walk through the park, wait in line, or read on the train, without even having the option to scroll. It’s been one of the most freeing and nourishing practices of my life.
This season is trying hard to teach me that protecting my energy is not selfish. It’s what allows me to show up as the best version of myself… for me and those immediately around me.
So if you’ve felt distance from me, I hope you understand. Thank you for being part of my community, whether near or far, and for sending love in whatever way you do.
And if you also struggle with putting yourself first… give yourself permission to protect your own peace a little more too. <3
